An archive collection of Jokes shared by Craig on various medias.

I’ve finally learned that saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results each time is called parenting…

I’m finding that the phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has about a 0% success rate…

In chemistry, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate…

Q: What do you call a bunch of brainiacs that form a high school singing group?
A: The glia club.

Oxymoron: Moronium oxide. Chemical formula: MoO. The very existence of Oxymoron contradicts itself as moronium usually does. Oxygen only amplifies moronium’s effects

Ah is the element of surprise! (chemically speaking)

I met one of my best friends in college chemistry class. We immediately formed an ironic bond.

My wife texted to ask if I’d stop by the store on my way home.
I replied “potassium”.
She replied “??”.
I replied “the periodic symbol for potassium is K”.
She replied “NERD”

If you don’t’ know, why ask?

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.

“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son.”

“OK: He’s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

“How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

“I thought you said he’s 13?”

I’ve told you a million times not to exaggerate…

Does anyone know if running late counts as exercise?

Two alley rats were munching garbage one day. One rat said to the other rat: “Have you seen that new restaurant across the street?” The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming. It’s so sanitary and bacteria free, the whole place shines.” “Please,” said the other rat with a frown, “not while I’m eating!”

So, if you went to the lab and took a benzene ring and replaced the carbon atoms with iron atoms, could it now be called a ferrous wheel??

I finally figured something very important out! Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics…

Written in the Swiss Army regulations: Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, an awl, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight…

When one door closes and at the same time another one opens, it’s definitely time to get that cabinet fixed…

I’ve taken the lesson from the whole Mayan calendar thing that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world!

Google: “I know everything”
Facebook: “I know everyone”
Internet: “Without me, you two are nothing!”
Electricity: “Keep talking fools”

Alas, I remember the days-gone-by when I knew more than my phone…

These days, all the intelligent people are full of doubt and all the stupid people have the confidence…

I’ve reached the point where I have way too much business and not enough monkey…

Has any one else noticed how the local grocery store uses four checkouts. That is, unless it’s really busy – then they use just one…

When a vegan goes missing do they put their picture on an almond milk carton?

Common sense is so rare these days, methinks it should be classified as a superpower…

Someone asked me today if I could be any person, living or dead, who would I be. I said I’d definitely be a living person…

A wise man once said nothing…

I’ve always wondered; if ignorance truly is bliss, then why are there so many unhappy people out there?

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that’s the question I ask of thee…. ….or is it?

If you notice a person is deceiving you, they must not be doing a very good job of it…

I am finding that my occasional bouts with a lack of common sense highly enhances my other senses…

I just ran into my old college English professor. He said, “Goode to see ye!”

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could hit the refresh button and actually feel refreshed?

Whoever snuck the “s” into Fast Food …well played!

There is no right way to do the wrong thing. But I sure know a lot of great shortcuts!

My apathy today is at an all-time whatever…

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse all the way from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry…

Beer drinking trivia: The national anthem is actually set to the tune of an old English drinking song called To Anacreon in Heaven.

I asked my 9 y/o how many states he could name and he came up with about 45. I told my son that in my day I could name all of them PLUS their capitols. Well, the boy was quick to retort: Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states…

I know a guy who thinks that the last words of “The Star-Spangled Banner” are “Play ball”.

What do pessimists do when they meet? Shake hands? Nah, they shake heads

Lately, I’m wondering how bad four years without a president at all would be…

Why does it seem that my wild oats are somehow evolving into prunes?

What a fine kettle of fish… I’m finally holding all the cards and now everyone wants to play chess?

I witnessed an optimist and pessimist arguing over the proverbial glass of water – so I walked up, said “Hi, I’m an opportunist”, drank it and walked away. Boy were they both mad!

My 9 y/o is reading a book where the conflict is one person condescending and the other patronizing. I just told him that the difference between patronizing and condescending was nothing to worry his silly little self about.

Hmmmm… The latest Kelly Blue Book search says the easiest way to triple the value of my old motor home is to fill it with gas…

Sometimes my brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Things go in, never to be seen again.

There I was, living life in the fast lane… with a stream of cars behind me, horns honking… flags flying…

A friend of mine ducked into the drive-through lane of McDonald’s the other day and I chuckled to myself as I realized that fast food restaurants really shouldn’t have a value meal called the “number 2″…

I’ve always wondered – why limit happy to just an hour?

Don’t you just hate it when your wife asks you to hold her purse – but it doesn’t match what you’re wearing??

I don’t think that fire hazards are ever a good thing – except maybe in extreme golf. Now I’d watch that show!

It is my professional opinion that socks actually have the highest divorce rate of all…

Sometimes, having a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side…

When I was younger I used to be very bold. Now my kids are saying I lost my b…

Who said: “I’m having trouble finding myself.” ~ Waldo in therapy.

Now that Obamacare pays for the cost of contraceptives, I wonder if they’ll foot the bill for dinner and a movie too?

OK, now I’ve got to teach my grandbabies why it is “I” before “E” except after the “Old MacDonald had a farm” song…

People would accomplish a lot more if they dropped their “if’s”, “and’s” and got off their “butts”…

Now that the dust has cleared, does anyone know who won Mafia Wars?

Does anyone else remember when movies had plots and video games didn’t?

I never fail! (But I sure do find a lot of things that will never work…)

I’m in a very interesting place in life where I get to tell my kids that I’m older than the internet…

Some people learn by observing, others learn by reading. Then, there’s the rest of us who have to reach out and touch the fire to see if it’s hot…

Awww man! I just ran out of gas on the road less traveled…

Lately, lying about my age is much easier now that I sometimes forget what it is…

Don’t you just wish that some people had a brightness setting?

My mom used to always say; “Let a smile be your umbrella.” You know what I call people who let a smile be their umbrella? Wet. That’s what they are – wet

If it is really the “Discovery Channel” then it should be on a different time and channel every day…

I’ve always said “To err is hunam”…

I really do want my children to be strong, independent, headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them…

Well folks, it looks like my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working either…

A budget is merely a record of where your money should have been spent.

Ironically, 9 out of 10 doctors agree the leading cause of muffin tops is in fact muffins…

A fool and his money never seem to be around when you need them…

I do believe that if cats had wings, they’d still just lay there…

I’ll be posting jokes telepathically for the rest of today. Whenever you think of something funny – that was me… 😉

Has anyone else noticed at the movies how a man will not shirk pain while taking the most ferocious beating or walking on glass or being shot and stabbed but will whine and wince when a woman tries to clean the wounds?

Have you heard about the new ninja diet? Seems it involves stealthing away whatever you want to eat and never getting caught.

I did some in-depth research and found out that apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin out there…

I’ve always said that you can lead a man to water, but you can’t make him fish…

LOCAL NEWS: A man avoided car accident while not tweeting and driving…

I’m trying to decide which pants to wear today – smarty or fancy?

If aliens ever land on Earth and demand that I take them to our leader I am so taking them straight to Lady GaGa…
Let ’em sort that one out!

I found out that any food can be a superfood – if you just put a little cape on it…

For you single guys out there, a piece of dating advice: Never judge a good looking woman on Facebook by his avatar…

If we really wanted to slow down North Korea’s nuclear program we could introduce them to Angry Birds…

To err is human, to arr is definitely so pirate…

I say that you should always face your problems and not run from them. That is, unless your problem is, like, you’re being chased by a bear…

To all you guys out there with a profile picture that is a car – I have no choice but to assume that you are a transformer.

Whenever I see ‘ROFL’ I imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say ‘waffle’….

The barkeep says “I’m sorry but we don’t serve time travelers here”… A time traveler walks into a bar…

How can a 747 jet carry a space shuttlecraft on its roof and yet they charge for your extra luggage?

These days, guys are looking for the perfect girl. That’s Playboy’s fault. But girls are waiting for the perfect prince. That my friend is Disney’s fault.

CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsiness, fits of rage, outbursts of “BLECK” or even seizures…

If athletes can’t use steroids, why is it legal for models to use Photoshop?

As a child I was scared of the dark. Now I’m just afraid of my electricity bill…

Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world…

How come all of the ‘intelligent life finding instruments’ are pointed away from earth???

Drinking and drugs will not solve all your problems. That’s what chocolate’s for.

My gas tank just went from zero to 50 bucks in under one minute!

Oh, I’m still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle a little slower these days…

I ‘waxed’ myself down there this morning. Boy do my socks slide on easy now!

I’ve noticed that sunrises are just as beautiful as sunsets – only a lot less crowded…

Once again that stupid autocorrect has me posting something I didn’t Nintendo…

The three words I dreaded most in math class were “Pop Quiz”…

I was just watching our dog chase her tail and I was thinking – how easily amused dogs are! But then I thought another thought – HEY! I’m being amused watching it…

I think we should stop focusing on Goldilocks and examine why Mama and Papa Bear have separate beds…

I just read that 63% of all Pitbull attacks occur somewhere between tying the bandana around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face…

Beware of half-truths. You just might get the wrong half…

Some people update their status from their iPhone just so you think they actually left the house and went somewhere. You know who you are! – Sent from my iPhone

Did you know that your heart is like rock-n-roll? – Without a steady beat, it’s nothing…

Has anyone else noticed how conveniently three 20-minute powernaps fit into just one hour? Koinkidink? I think not…

I think Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats…

My best advice ever: Avoid all epidemics like the plague…

You know you are “webbed out” When your best friend is someone you’ve never met…

So, what do butterflies in love feel in their stomach? Do they feel people?

I saw a gym advertisement today that said: “Why be fat and ugly? Just be ugly…”

So, why does Facebook bother to let me “like” my own comments? Of course I like my own comments…

Autocorrect can just kiss my ask..!!

A bore is someone who insists upon talking about their self when what you want to talk about is yourself…

When you think about how stupid the average person is – you gotta realize that half of them are stupider than that!

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and “I’m the Class of 2013, just graduated from Harvard and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.” The driver looks back to shake the young man’s hand and says, “Congratulations, I’m Mitch Class of 1989.”

You know, I don’t think pandas would be endangered if we would quit making them into soccer balls…

So, would a short joke about cocaine be called a one-liner?

I wonder why we always believe the ‘Unnamed Source’, but never trust the ‘Official Spokesman’…

I just told my kids that Oxymoron is the stain-fighting stupid superhero. I don’t think they believe me…

I always do the best job of proofreading my own stuff just after I push the “Post” button…

What do you call an Easter Bunny with fleas?
Bugs Bunny…

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing ya…

Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end…

Just a thought, but – How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

I just found out there is a show called “When Animals Attack”. Personally I think it should be called “When Idiots Try to Play with Dangerous Animals”…

Has anyone else ever tried walking into Sea World with a fishing pole? Ya, doesn’t work out too well…

What did one deadhead say to the other when he ran out of weed?
“Hey man, this music sucks!”

I just came to the sudden realization that my body is growing older without me…

Why did the lawyer chicken cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side…

What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour? ~ The letter “M”

I’m guessing that the one time in life that you don’t want to give an all-out 100% is when donating blood…

Does a person who uses incantations need a spell-checker??

Why are frogs so doggone happy? Because they can eat whatever is bugging them!

Did you know that an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard is the space bar? You do now…

Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

Old professor’s never die. They just lose their faculties…

Confucious say: He who get too big for britches will be exposed in the end…

Lurking on Facebook is like opening the fridge every other few minutes to see if there is something good that magically appeared there…

My daughter told me she is afraid of spiders. I told her that seeing a spider is not anything to worry about. When the spider suddenly disappears, then you can worry. She didn’t seem a bit comforted…

I just read about a new word processor for lawyers. Regardless of what font you select, everything come out in fine print…

CONGRATULATIONS! You, my friend have just won a free lifetime supply of air. That’s right, air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, ~ ‘my whole dang bathroom floor is wet’.

Aw man, I got in a wreck with a smart car in the Starbucks parking lot today, it was totaled but my bicycle is fine…

The only time that laughter is NOT the best medicine is when you have diarrhea…

Does anyone else have that one dang light switch in the house that they don’t know what it goes to??

A while ago I had this uncontrollable feeling to get up and do something. So I sat here very still until the feeling passed…

My wife asked me why all my passwords were some combination with the word “women”. I told her it’s because NO ONE can figure them out…

I remember the day when someone teed you of you punched them. Nowadays you just delete them from your Facebook. That’ll show ’em!!

My wife was just telling me: “I stare at the sky, all I see is you. I look out into the ocean, all I see you. Even when I’m looking at the moon, all I see you.” I told her that was so sweet of her to say that and she pushed me and said: “All right already, now would you move over so I can see something??”

I’ve reached life’s “golden age”. That is where the kids still at home are old enough to not need a baby-sitter and too young yet to borrow the car.

Don’t go broke keeping up with the Joneses… Act your wage!

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react…

I had a lady just ask me if she should have a baby after 35? I said “No Way! 35 is enough children”…

Old cashiers never die, they just check out…

You should always be kind to your dentist… He has fillings, too!

I know a guy that I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for pretzels, he’d be on a liquid diet…

I am finding that failure is not an option anymore. It now automatically comes bundled with the software…

The Indians got here first because they had reservations…

I’m sadly convinced that the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make…

Now there is a new magazine out that combines religion and porn. It’s called “repenthouse”…

This is an actual book that I am so not doing: “Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself”

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance…

Do you know why it takes a million sperm to fertilize one egg? It’s a man thing. They won’t stop to ask directions…

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue ~ Anonymous

Old actors never die, they just drop apart…

Exhaustipated: /igˈzôstəˌpātid/ Adjective – Drained of one’s physical or mental resources to the point where you don’t give a crap; very tired of this crap.

I know a guy who was soooo fat that his belly button didn’t have lint. It had sweaters…

Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never dropped a 30lb pumpkin on their foot…

You should know that you are definitely in trouble when all your plans start with “when I get rich”…

I told my 21 y/o that she couldn’t stay on line forever. She replied: “Challenge accepted!”

You gotta admit, the absolute worse time to suffer a heart attack would have to be during a game of Charades…

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away…

I spelled a word so wrong just now that my auto-correct said: “??? – I got nothing, man.”

Brain fact: The human brain is a most amazing organ, functioning 7 X 24 hours a day, every day of your life, from birth until the very day you fall in love…

When it comes to jokes about graphic designers, that’s where I draw the line…

Newsflash: Famous cartoonist found dead in home – details are sketchy…

I was standing around at Albertson’s waiting for my wife to come to come to the checkout when a manager walked by and said: “Can I help you find something?” I looked startled and whispered at him: “You can see me???” He shook his head and walked away…

I know a guy who is sooo lazy that he gets excited about cancelled plans…

Is it really a hot flash or just a temperature tantrum?

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when your hot dog fetches its own ketchup and relish…

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when you can buy a leg of salmon at the fish market…

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when you can spot signs of a primitive central nervous system in Jell-O…

You know that food scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food when the black-eyed peas on your fork wink at you…

Did you know that forgiving your enemies really annoys them?

Mom: You do nothing all day
Teenoid child: I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide, I regenerate cells, I transmit nerve signals to my brain, I digest food. How is that nothing???

I know that money can’t buy you happiness, but I’ve found out it can buy ice cream!

Years ago I wore a watch but lost it. Since then I was going to look for it but haven’t found the time…

One of our patients is a truck driver who thinks that bacteria is the rear entrance to the restaurant…

I used to have a horrible fear of hurdles until I got over it…

Breaking News: A man suing American Airlines for lost luggage has lost his case…

The true value of Facebook – estimated net worth is $96 billion. That’s the amount of money businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook…

I’ll never forget the words of my flight instructor years ago when I took flight lessons: “Fuel up every time. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire…”

Deja Vu: When Mark Zuckerberg got married recently he annoyed everyone by changing the seating layout at the last minute for no reason at all…

More sad news for the music industry: Justin Bieber was found alive and well at his LA home today…

Breaking News: World famous health guru found dead. Police are calling it herbicide…

I was at Kinko’s watching this girl paperclip stacks of papers two sheets at a time. I asked her “why not use a stapler?” She thought about it a few long seconds and said “commitment issues…”

If I ever have to have brain surgery, I’m so getting the surgeon to remove that Barry Manilow Copacabana song that has been stuck in my head all these years…

Methinks I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap…

I sure do miss those days when I used to be nostalgic!

Breaking News: Willie Nelson run down by a car. Turns out he was playing “On the Road Again”…

“I’ve got some good gnus and I’ve got some bad gnus”, quoth the gnu salesman.

I’ve often wondered: If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

Oh, I ask of me, to vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question…. ….or is it?

I was just thinking about how outdated the game of Monopoly is. There’s a luxury tax and even rich people can go to jail!

And that’s how the fight started: Did you hear the one about the mortician who got into severe trouble with his wife? Seems he didn’t like the leftovers at supper and called them “remains”…

Last night I dreamed that I was a muffler on a motorcycle going everywhere around Phoenix. When I woke up I was totally exhausted!

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are held in scorn by educated people who blow car horns to break up traffic jams… (I was thinking about this today on my way home in Phoenix traffic)

I got the sudden feeling like doing nothing else for the rest of the day. I think my procrastinate is enlarged…

Philosophical thought of the day: Shouting at your children to make them obey is like using the horn to steer your car – you get the same results too…

MOSES’ MOTHER: “That’s a good story Mose! Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve just received a bill for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you just paint on the walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

I was trying to think of a good everyday example of optimism. Then I looked at my pencil. It is seven inches long, and only has a quarter-inch long eraser…

If one pretends to be asleep, you could rightfully call them a bulldozer.

I’m thinking, if history repeats itself then I really want a pet dinosaur…

Who knew that I had pteronophobia all this time!

Is cow tipping some obscure form of lactose intolerance?

From the I want to know why department: If we’re not supposed to be eating midnight snacks, then why did someone put a light in the fridgie?

I see people going to see the same movie again and again. I think there is a new movie out that is Hobbit-forming…

Breaking News Story: There was an explosion at local Cheese factory last night. Nothing left but de Brie…

Another thing I’ve learned as a professional writer is to try to avoid clichés like the plague…

When I was in Rhode Island few years ago, I thought khakis were clothing. I soon found out that, up there, if you lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

I was telling my wife about a dream I had last night where I was writing another script for ‘The Hobbit’. My wife told me that I was only Tolkien in my sleep…

One thing I’ve learned as a professional writer is that double-negatives are a no-no…

The actual hidden message in the Mayan calendar states that December 21, 2012 will be the most annoying day ever on Facebook…

I think the main reason Santa is so dang jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live…

I remember my dad telling me recently: “Chin up! Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest…

That dang autocorrect is really messing with my instant massaging…

I’m finding out that a procrastinator’s work is never done…

When I was a kid in art class I didn’t know anything about sculpting bronze busts: So I just forged a head…

Tis the season for shopaholics to follow their inamall instincts…

“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney tells his client. “The bad news is that the blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that at the crime scene.” “Oh, no!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 180.”

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when they grow up, they’ll never be able to edge the car onto a Phoenix freeway…

I always use my words correctly, irregardless of how other people use them…

I’ve found that comparisons can be just as bad as cliches…

Do you know how a pessimist counts his blessings? 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 …

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary…

I just don’t get the whole “evolution” scene. If evolution actually happens due to adaptation, why do mothers only have two arms and hands?

I’ve had it wrong all along! It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
I need a do-over now…

People sometimes accuse me of being ambivalent – to which I always answer: Well, yes and no…

Swimming in circles one fine day, one goldfish argues to the other, “If there’s no God, who changes our water every week?”

If the companies Xerox and Wurlitzer merged would they make and market reproductive organs?

I was talking to my business guru today and he said there are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell everything you know…

Question of the day: Does it take ten millipedes to equal one centipede?

I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show tonight, but I think it might be too chilly…

If everyone here is so disgruntled, where are all the gruntled people?

I have often pondered, where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

It was a perfect fall day. The sun was shining, cool breeze was blowing, the birds were singing and the lawn mower is broken…

Did you know that smoking kills humans but cures salmon? I didn’t really think about that before…

So we say Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. Well, how come they didn’t foresee the Spanish coming in 1520? I think sometimes I think too much…

I ordered in a Chinese food restaurant the other day. After trying to masticate a piece of chicken for several minutes I said to the waiter: “this chicken tastes rubbery”. To which he replied “so grad you rike it!”…

I was just reading a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m disappointed that “YELL FOR HELP” was not even on the list…

I was recently offered a lucrative job writing for a history book company. I didn’t accept the position because there was no future in it…

Half of being smart is to know what you’re dumb at…

Do you remember when you were just starting to believe that maybe 30 isn’t so old after all, and it’s “those” people over 40 you have to look out for? Well, I’m in my 50s and I’ve got news for you…

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is unfortunately optional…

Caution: Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom…

I was digging through the news and stats and realized that government economists have fore-casted 9 out of the last 4 recessions…

Well, I’m off to Home Depot – need to buy a couple of large pails for some outside chores, a medium pail for some parts cleaning in the shop and maybe three small pails for taking fossil hunting with the kiddos. Yep, there you have it; that’s my bucket list…

Just gotta wonder why is it called ‘after dark’ when it is technically ‘after light’…

Isn’t it just a wee bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”???

I found out why talk is so cheap. The supply exceeds demand by a very large margin…

I went into Nature’s Health Shoppe tonight and said “Evening Primrose” – to which the girl replied “Just call me Lucy”..

Spotlight on truth: Big Pharma uses scientific data the way a drunkard uses a lamppost: for support rather than illumination.

My daughter has a cat and I’ve come to the conclusion that cats instinctively know how we feel. They know – but they just don’t care…

Dang it – I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships, can anyone tell me if there were any highlights???

Tonight I got eczema, flatulence, diarrhea, gonorrhea and hemorrhoids. Boy did I ever clean up at Scrabble!

I refuse to engage someone in a battle of wits when they are unarmed…

When a woman says “we need to talk,” why is it never about football??

“Happiness is a warm puppy,” quoth the anaconda…

If you don’t find health-related puns funny at all, you may be suffering from an irony deficiency…

Most people learn all they know about the colon through the process of elimination…

I just discovered that auto-correct can be my worst enema…

Headline news circa year 2062 will be ~ 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made…

Who knew that I had pteronophobia all this time!

Problems that go away by themselves usually come back by themselves…

I have found that you can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

I’m getting pretty tired of hearing all this stuff about the Great Apes. How come we never hear anything about the Paltry Apes???

We went to a seafood disco in Albuquerque for lunch today and I pulled a mussel…

Just imagine for one moment, if you will, a world without any hypothetical situations…

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year…

I remember when my parents shipped off one of my brothers to Mime Boarding School. We never heard from him again…

Ever wonder why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

From the “I can’t believe it” department: A close friend just texted me saying: “What does IDK stand for?” I texted back, “I Don’t Know”. She replied, “OMG, no-one does!”

Just out from the Redundant Department of Redundancy: A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people now make up 75% of the world’s population.

Who out there thinks that “Retail Therapy” should be covered by health insurance?

I’m finding that the main problem with making mental notes is that the ink fades so dad-gum fast…

Anybody else here ever experienced “sarchasm”? That would be the vast gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who just doesn’t get it…

I went to the little boy’s room at church today and on the graffiti chalkboard in the bathroom someone wrote “What Would Jesus Do?” Then someone wrote directly underneath that, “Wash his hands.” Then someone else wrote, “And your feet.”

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word or two, and unlimited super-powers…

If it is too dry – add moisture; if it is too moist – add dryness. Congratulations! You are now a dermatologist…

Philosophical thought of the day: If you can’t stand the heat, go swimming…

If olive oil comes from squished olives and corn oil comes from squished corn, where does baby oil come from?

Has anyone else ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys? Just asking…

Philosophical thought of the day: Cigarettes are pretty much like cats ~ perfectly harmless unless you put one to your mouth and try to light it on fire…

I was coaching a young lady in active labor with her first child. Things were going very well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” The father asked “Hey, what’s wrong with my wife?” I said “Nothing. She’s just going through contractions.”

When I was a teenoid I worked at a donut shoppe making donuts until I got tired of the hole thing….

A bacteria walked up to the bar to order a drink and the bartender said, ‘We don’t serve bacteria in this place.’ The bacteria said, ‘Don’t worry, I work here – I’m staph!’

We stayed up and watched a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen…

A wise woman once told me to learn from the mistakes of others because you won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself..

I just had a deja vu moment talking to my 8 year old… I remember my dad telling me once: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

I remember back in college taking a final exam. I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

Great advice: If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised…

I met a street clown in downtown Bellingham today who said he went to school to become a wit. Apparently he only got halfway through…

I am finding out that it is much easier to get older than it is to get wiser…

I’ve learned something in the cool Washington nights that I didn’t learn in Phoenix: that one good turn gets most of the blankets…

I once tried to lie to an x-ray technician. She saw right through me…

My mama always said: ‘double negatives are a no-no’

Alcohol and calculus DO NOT MIX! Never attempt to drink and derive…

Those people who think they know it all reaheheally annoy those of us who do…

A diet is where you have to go to some length to change your width…

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity that’s simply impossible to put down…

I figured out why atheists struggle so much with exponential equations. It’s because they don’t believe in higher powers…

Little known religious fact: The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless…

Rethinking our thinking… What if we got it all backwards and God is asking us for a sign???

Q: Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to the dentist? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I just noticed that England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool…

Funny ad I saw in a medical journal: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

If three out of every ten people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other seven enjoy it?

One thing that people need to understand is that – as we get older a lack of pep is often mistaken for patience…

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.”

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to program the cell phone, work the computer and set the Blue Ray player.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home…

Is it just me or does the word skeptical look like it is spelled wrong?

We have entered the era of smart phones and stupid people…

Fault Finding is like window washing – all the dirt seems to be on the other side.

Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your X. She’s not coming back and don’t ask Y either…

Serious question: Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

You know you’re growing old when you’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything…

My son had just received his brand new driver’s license. We trooped out to the driveway and climbed in the car, where he is going to take me for a ride for the first time. I immediately got in the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says my beaming boy. “Nope,” I said “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

A redneck boy had been working industriously with a stub pencil and a piece of paper. Suddenly he looked up and exclaimed, “Doggoned it Maw, if I ain’t done larned me to write.” Maw got up and looked at the lines scrawled across the paper. “What does it say” ? “I don’t know”, the boy replied, “I ain’t larned to read yet…”

Has anyone seen my invisibility cloak? I don’t remember where I left it…

I watched my daughter eat everything on her plate, saving her Brussels sprouts for last. I asked her why she was doing this and she said…, “I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing…

I went to Bookman’s bookstore and I asked the saleswoman “Where’s the self-help section?” She retorted that if she told me, it would defeat the whole purpose…

You know you’re growing old when… .. wait, what was I saying??

We had a guy in the IV chair today and I asked “Are you comfortable?” The man shrugged and said, “I make a good living.”

I asked a friend of mine about a locket she wears around her neck. She said: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.” I said: “But your husband is still alive.” She said: “I know, but his hair is gone…”

I never grew up; I just learned how to act in public…

After a lengthy study, scientists from Argentina discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads Facebook posts with one hand on the mouse… Don’t bother taking it off now; it’s too late. 😀

Have you heard about the latest new drug that when given to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent. This drug is definitely habit-forming…

And always remember: If you are knee-deep in a conversation and your mind suddenly goes blank, don’t forget to turn off the sound…

I’m thinking perhaps we need the FDA to stop finding all the bad things we shouldn’t eat and focus on a couple of safe things we can eat…

In case you peeps want to know what really makes me smile, it’s face muscles!

They don’t pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs – something must be done about teenagers…

An idle mind is the best way to relax….

We have one dog and one cat and I’ve noticed that dogs have owners. Cats have staff…

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

I’ve come to the conclusion that if the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the farm that the water bill is higher too…

Looks like the days of good grammar is done gone…

We had a patient the other day with kleptomania. I hesitated to tell him to “take something for it”

I don’t like to brag very much, but I’m pretty confiedent I could so win a spelling comtest.

If you think my puns are getting bad – just wait ’til they’re full groan…

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with. And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with… Just saying…

We just received a notice that our electricity bill is going up by 3% per annum. All this time I thought I was paying through the nose…

I may not be funny every time but at least parts of me are humerus…

Q: How do you tickle a rich girl? ~ A: Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

We had someone come in to the clinic recently that was addicted to placebos…

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Safely remove my USB?? Life is too short to remove my USB safely…

I was grooving along nice and smooth, taking one day at a time, when I was suddenly attacked by several days all at once!

I just found out that the first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don’t converse or talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about the Thesaurus Club…

I often ponder the deep things in life, like when math teachers die do they disintegrate?

In line at the bank today I came to the conclusion that old hippies never die, they just smell that way…

We recently had a patient in and the only disease she didn’t list was “hypochondriac”…

A nightclub just opened in Queen Creek AZ and is offering all you can drink all night for just under $20. Tonight we’re gonna party like its 19.99!

I just looked in the mirror and instead of crow’s feet, I’ve got punchlines…

In front of me in the grocery line at Albertson’s: A man with an unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor… Two things that do NOT go together!

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time and I’m trying to remember if I’ve forgotten this before.

How to make Easter easier – replace the t with i…

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of friendly advice from folks who didn’t succeed either…

A magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat – but an experimental psychologist can pull a habit out of a rat.

After a lot of reflection, I am still tossed on this question: During Lent, do cannibals only eat fishermen on Fridays?

Two cows are grazing in a field. One says, “Aren’t you worried about mad cow disease?” The other replies, “Not me, I’m a squirrel.”

We just had a Shepherd’s pie for lunch, he’s really not happy about it either…

I really think crop circles are the work of a cereal killer…

Hey, hey, hey! A little nugget here. How to back the stress truck up: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS!

A simile is like a metaphor that doesn’t believe in itself. A metaphor is a simile that takes itself too seriously.

I might be 51 years old now but in reality that translates to only about 10 ½ Celsius…

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure…

I just got back from my positive thinking class. Not many there, in fact it was half empty…

I might just have to get over my aversion to genetically modified food and try a leg of salmon…

Having an active eight year old boy is like having a blender running that you don’t have a top for…

I called my lawyer and said, “Can I ask you a couple of questions?” He said, “What’s the second question?”

Using science, I just disproved the ancient ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ thing.

My bank has a feature that lets me send a text message and it’ll text back with my balance. I just tried it and like it a lot but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary..

You know, if it wasn’t for Thomas Edison we’d be watching television by candlelight.

I’m thinking that the worst time to have a heart attack has to be during a game of charades…

My job as a nutritionist would be so much better if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon…

Yesterday I went to donate some blood but they had so many questions about where I got it I said forget it.

I don’t think we’ll ever run out of math teachers because they sure know how to multiply…

I’ve been thinking about R2D2. Was he that foul mouthed that they beeped out every word he said?

I wonder what my children will tell their children they had to “do without”?

I intend to live forever – so far so good…

FYI: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

Gospel of Craig chapter 2 verse 3; Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed…

I just informed my kids that I was thinking about running away and joining a different circus! (they were not amused…)

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Best advice of the day: Strike while the bug is close…

Just how does a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I’ve been thinking about how some people picket. I am actually very much against picketing, but don’t know how to demonstrate against it….

Once upon a time I ate one anchovy, that is exactly why I never did eat two anchovies…

Wowser! I just found out that in the long-run there is a whole nother series of short-runs…

A chemist walks into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” “You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. “That’s it, I can never remember that word.”

I was looking at the cheap wines in Walmart and I came to the conclusion they should come out with their own brand of wine. They can call it “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!”

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just rinse and spit…

I must be a grown adult now. I started taking Bert’s side over Ernie’s…

Beer Drinking Advice

If you are drinking beer and your feet are cold and wet, your glass is being held at an incorrect angle, rotate opening of glass towards ceiling. If your feet are warm and wet, improper bladder control, stand near the dog and complain about house training.

If the opposite wall has fluorescent lights you’ve fallen off the barstool. Have someone lash you to the bar!

If your beer is a little pale and lost its flavor the glass is empty and you need to get someone to buy you another one.

I remember back in the day, my physics course that was so hard I couldn’t even find the classroom…

Q: What did one DNA say to the other? – – – A: Do these genes make my butt look fat?

At the Renn Festival today I met a guy who said his name was “six and seven eighths”. I told him I thought that was a very unusual name to which he replied: “Oh that’s the name my folks pulled out of a hat…”

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? – – – A: Breathe, BREATHE!

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said “HONK if you do everything you’re told”

Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber content and not the toy…

I hear that some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have tried and never been able to make out the numbers…

AIBOHPHOBIA: (n.) the fear of palindromes

A woman told her husband, “I just dreamed last night that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight.” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

Eggomania is what happens when people have an unhealthy obsession over frozen waffles…

Two angels were up on Cloud #8 talking when one says to the other, “Well yes, I am happy but I could be happier….”

Why did the chicken cross the road? Gilligan’s answer: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!

One of my kids just said I am “over the hill”. Over the hill? I don’t even remember reaching the top…

I took my son shopping for some camouflage pants today but dogged if we could find any…

Ex-Lax: $5 Metamucil: $10 Barium Enema: $100 Colonoscopy: $1000
A healthy bowel movement: Priceless…

Just what is a mecium anyhow? And how do you get a pair of them in the first place? If you only get one, is it an unamecium or a monomecium?

If the plural of one goose is two geese, wouldn’t the plural of one moose two meese? Or if the plural of tooth is teeth, how come the plural of booth isn’t beeth?

Of all things, I just found a Piñata Store! There was big sign on the front door: You buy it, You break it

Henry Chancy the creator of the S.A.T. tests died this morning at the age of 97. He died when his eastbound car, which was going 10 miles per hour and weighed 1800 lbs, left Chicago at 6 am and collided with a northbound train that was going 60 miles per hour and weighed 294 metric tons which left Gary IN at 4:30 am. Investigators are still calculating the exact location of that intersection…

I just hung up talking to someone who was complaining that there is way too much sex and violence on his DVD…

With the price of gas these days NEVER buy a car you can’t push…

How come it is that at work we yack about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we want to talk about work?

Q: What does the zero say to the eight? A: Hey, nice belt!

I was so disappointed at the general store today, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific…

For every action, there’s an opposite social media overreaction…

Someone I know confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she now has 6 kids but she doesn’t really care…

I had a nightmare last night that I had insomnia…

Hey! How come I see a carrot at the end of my tunnel???

And now for today’s subliminal thought …

I support the metric system every inch of the way!…

I just read that The Collective Noun Symposium recently had a conjunction of grammarians…

I’m right 98% of the time. And no one seems to care about the other 3%…

Carrazy world! In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal…

If lawyers can be disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, can electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed, decreased, and eventually become depleted? Can bed makers be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, software engineers detested and underwear manufacturers debriefed?

We were at Starbucks yesterday and someone left their cell phone on a table. I scrolled through the saved numbers and found one that said “Mom”. I called the number and told her what happened. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.” A few seconds later, the cell phone rang. It was the mom. “Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at Starbucks again…”

If you say “gullible” really, really slow it sounds just like you are saying “orangutan.”

Reality is for those who don’t know how to program holodecks…

Sunday morning thought: Heck is reserved for those who don’t give a dang…

It was a cold morning on the way from Cordes Junction to Prescott today to get tires on our cargo trailer when I saw a sign that said “Ice 1/2 mile.” I practically crept that half-mile on the lookout for ice, black ice, log-jams, train wrecks or other trouble. Then we came to a sign that was outside a small grocery store, and it read, “Ice 75 cents…” I felt kinda silly…

Why don’t we ever see this headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery!” ???

Lady to a pharmacist: “Why does this prescription medication have 40 different side effects?” The pharmacist replied: “Because that’s all we’ve documented so far.”

It takes a smart person to only believe half of what they hear. It takes a wise person to know which half…

How can the world end in 2012 when I have yogurt that expires in 2013?

And God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds. And satan invented McDonald’s, and McDonald’s brought forth the double-cheeseburger, and satan said to man; “You want fries with that? “, and man said; “Super size them.”

I have often wondered why there’s only one Monopolies Commission?

I had a friend just ask me what is the best position for prayer; kneeling, sitting, standing or prone? I said that I did my best praying once swinging by one hand from the top of a scaffold…

According to a massive recent survey, 33 people say they participate in surveys…

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?” “No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class….”

Last year I made a resolution I’m able to keep – that was to never again make another New Year’s resolution…

Got a math problem you can’t solve? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x

I’ve thought this through very carefully and I think my new-year’s resolution should be 1024 X 768

Why Engineers Don’t Write Recipe Books:
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:

  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
    To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
    Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Philosophical thought of the day: Even the greatest of musical composers will eventually decompose…

Wisdom should come with age but sometimes age just shows up all by itself…

Some of the smartest mammals in the world are dolphins! Did you know that within two days of captivity a dolphin can train any human being to stand at the water’s edge and throw fish to them?

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad…

“I see you’re admiring my striped vest,” said absolutely no one – ever…

Best advice of the day: Don’t get your knickers in a knot because it solves nothing and makes you walk funny ta-boot…

If you jog in a jogging suit, run with running shoes, lounge in lounge wear and smoke in a smoking jacket, what do you do in a windbreaker?

I was just thinking, “wouldn’t it be cool if your car could travel at the speed of light?” But then I realized… what would you use for headlights?

Christmastime is the season when some people are more interested in the present than the past…

Do you want know something that’ll make God laugh? Tell him your plans…

I can still remember that Paul McCartney song like it was Yesterday…

I’ve been thinking long and hard and have to the conclusion that – without geometry life is pointless…

Dear Lord, lead me not into temptation ~ I seem to be able to find it very easily all by myself….

Quantum mechanics: The dreams that stuff is made of…

I am beginning to wonder if you can actually buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop… (rhetorical question)…

I just happen to know a night watchman that has never worked a day in his life…

The latest official Senior Texting Codes just came out: ATD: At The Doctor’s BFF: Best Friend Fainted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair CBM: Covered By Medicare CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWIW: Forgot Where I Was FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LMDO: Laughing, My Dentures Out OMMR: On My Massage Recliner OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas ROTFL – CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing – Can’t Get Up SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop IFAICGU-CUPMU : I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up – Can You Pick Me Up? WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? TLCP: Talk Louder Caps Please YAST: You Already Said That

You know you’re getting old when you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you…

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination…

We have four seasons here in Phoenix: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Philosophical thought of the day: If you can’t stand the heat, don’t start the fireplace…

I just went to my first Camouflage Training Meetup: No one else turned up… Oh wait a minute…

I don’t suppose that any of you remember Sir Port? – He was always a great help to all the other knights…

Sir Prise could always be relied on to do the unexpected!

And wasn’t it Sir Cuitous who who approached his duties in a roundabout way?

Jealousy is about all the fun you think that someone else is having…

Philosophical thought of the day: Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom…

Something I’ve wondered about for a long-long time: Why do our noses run but our feet smell???

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I swipe one ear of corn from my neighbor’s garden and now I’m accused of stalking…

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says,
“The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.”

I have noticed that the people who are late are so much happier than the people who have to wait for them to show up.

Philosophical thought of the day: The squeaky wheel gets annoying…

I like cottage cheese but I can’t seem to find other dwelling cheeses, like studio apartment cheese, tent cheese. mobile home cheese.

What I learned from Big Pharma study data charts: Decide what you want to find, draw your curves, then plot the data.

Does anyone else get those address labels in the mail from charities asking for donation? I am always getting them but today I got one from an Alzheimer’s group. Funny thing though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

I recently saw a sign at a nurse’s station at a hospital: “To be right is only half the battle; to convince the physician is much more difficult.”

Did you hear the one about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

I called the local funeral home to ask why the cost of dying is getting so dang high. They blamed it on the cost of living…

Two arthropds were munching on garbage in a chocolate factory dumpster.
“I was in that new factory across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It’s so sanitary the whole place shines.”
“Please,” said the other arthropod while frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Average cost per fish: $8.97 Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the “hottest” fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to “outsmart” a fish. Average cost per fish: $395.68

It’s really very dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

Q: Why was the neuron sent to the principal’s office?
A: It had trouble controlling its impulses.

I am finding that as I get older, either it is getting easier to be positive or I just care less about what other people think. Not sure which it is…

Never, ever fry bacon in the nude…

Does sitting up to hit the snooze button count as one sit-up? I can do a whole bunch of those

Prepositions are not things to end sentences with

I am now prescribing vitamin “E” for “Exercise” in a 100 count bottle. No, you don’t swallow them silly, you dump them on the floor and bend over to pick them up one by one every morning…
How come a “double dip” recession sounds delicious right now?

Whadaya mean I have personality flaws?? Without them I might not have a personality at all…

Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition…

Life is becoming so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore…

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys; but if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades … now THAT’S a message!!

Procrastination always gives me something to look forward to…

If Big Pharma could patent air as a cure for hypoxia you’d have to co-pay to breath…

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends…

Q: What does D.N.A. stand for? A: National Dyslexic Association.

Caution: Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom…

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your dad…

Did you hear about the dyslexic paranoid? He always thought he was following someone…

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

If life is handing you melons, you just might be dyslexic…

Children never misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said…

The difference between an expert and a novice is that the novice hesitates before doing anything stupid…

Before the invention of the drawing boards, what did they go back to?

A sharp tongue does not equate to a keen mind…

If you see the Apple Store being robbed, does that make you an i-witness?

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly…

Do deadlines make some kind of whooshing sound as they go flying by?

My seven year old son just asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated. Then he asked me what a semicolon was…

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back… ~ Charlie Brown

Everyone is born with a photographic memory. Some people just don’t have film…

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused…

I was trying to find the local Origami Society but I just heard that they folded..

One of my daughters said I’m getting old – so I squashed her toes with my rocker… Guess I showed her!

Washington mosquito, AKA Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

I just read the label on a bottle of aspirin that says: “For headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children”…

You know, everybody is somebody else’s weirdo. Just saying…

Final answer: I plead contemporary insanity…

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist. Just saying…

Philosophical thought of the day: We’ll know we’ve hit bottom when everyone is so bad off that no-one can be worse off without someone else getting better off…

I saw a truck load of Roget’s Thesaurus spilled all over the interstate this morning. I was completely shaken, stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback and stupefied.…

Question of the day: Would a part-time band leader be a semi-conductor?

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web

Whoa! How funny is this? Instead of crow’s feet, I’ve got punchlines…

I don’t care if you are in the tough state of Alaska… Losing a hand in poker seems like a pretty steep price to pay for a card game. – Just saying

I just watched two silk worms having a race. They ended up in a tie…

This morning in Anchorage I asked a native Alaskan “have you lived in this state all of your life”? She answered “not yet”…

Latest medical trivia out Friday: According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Some of those mall cops just don’t get it… Why can’t I park in the “expecting mother” parking space if I’m waiting for my mom?

Hey guys, just so you know, I’m giving up the word “loaned” for lent.

What’s Another Word For That? Wordplay fun stuff

I’m listening to my favorite holiday classics in geek: Achromatic Color of Greatest Lightness Yule, Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration, Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors, Arrival Time2400 hrs – Weather – Cloudless, Far Off in a Feed Receptacle, Array the Corridor, Bantam Male Percussionist, Monarchial Triad, Nocturnal Noiselessness, Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers, Red Man En Route to Borough, Frozen Precipitation Commence, Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle, The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis, Query Regarding Identity of Descendant, Delight for this Planet, Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings and the Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

I was truncating the untrammeled aggrandizement of the topiaries extramural to our dorsal barricade fortification today and descried that I have zemmiphobia…

Pedantic kleptomaniacs seem to take things literally…

Never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice…

Crap… I just expeditiously contracted a deleterious exemplification of Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!

Don’t you just hate sesquipedalians? Why do they have to be so circumlocutious anyhow?

Affiliates of an avian genus with undifferentiated plumage accumulate in a congregation.

Prevaricator-prevaricator, bifurcated outer garment a-conflagrated.

A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain comestibles.

Scintillate, scintillate diminutive asteroid! Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, fain would I fathom thy nature specific; distantly poised in the ether capacious, closely resembling a gem carbonaceous.

Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted!

It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

Where there are visible vapors having provenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration…

Pulchritrude arrogates solely cutaneous profundity.

Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude!

It is inefficacious to indoctrinate a superunnuated canine with innovative chimera.

The relative state of the warmth of the aquious content of an unremittingly ogled kitchen vessel does not aspire to 100 degrees celcius.

Eleemosynary deeds have their genesis intramurally.

Apostatize degrees of antagonism to banish awareness of the specified interval of time.

Alacrity assembles prodigality.

Prepotency eludes the chinane

One diminutive yielding cupuled nut, the prodigious quercus stems forth.

An esteemed paramour is effortless forfeit rather than brought into being.

Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.

Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.

The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

Neophite’s serendipity.

All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude.

Masculine cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

Surveillance should precede saltation.

What’s another word for synonym?

The town I grew up in: With apolpogies to Paris, Texas

In the Northeast Texas town I grew up in, the favorite holidays are Thanksgiving, Christmas and the opening day of deer season…

In the town I grew up in, if the car in front of you was weaving you suspected an old farmer at the wheel instead of a drunk…

In the town I grew up in – the bumper jack in any pickup would lift a side of a house…

All this time growing up in Paris Texas, I thought a possum was a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

My little town where I grew up was so small that the City Jail was called the amoeba, because it only had one cell…

My little town where I grew up was so small that the New Year’s baby was born in March…

In the town I grew up in we all knew what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” were…

I recall that my home town in Texas was so small that in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened…

You know you are from Paria Texas when your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed…

You might be from Paris Texas if you use your fishing license as a form of ID…

My little town where I grew up was so small that McDonald’s only had one Golden Arch.

In the town I grew up in, if you called the wrong number you would end up talking to the person for an hour anyway.

In the town I grew up in Democrats were like spotted brown owls – they were on the endangered species list.

In the town I grew up in you used the word ‘sittin’ there’ to describe activity: ‘I was just sittin’ there, runnin’ down the road….’

In the town I grew up in a traffic jam was ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

In the town I grew up in rock, paper, scissors was as high tech as the game got…

In the town I grew up in, the streets were so narrow that dogs had to wag their tail up and down.

You know you are from my little town when you are unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

My little town where I grew up was so small that a “Night on the Town” took only 11 minutes and cost under $2…

My little town where I grew up was so small that Second Street was in Reno TX, the next town over.

Only in America: Making political fun of US

Blessed are the censors for they shall inhibit the earth…

I have often wondered why so many Civil War battles were fought in national parks…

Do you remember that George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River? I always wondered how that was possible. No one could throw a coin that far! But then you have to remember, a dollar went a lot farther in those days…

Death and taxes may be certain, but do I have to die every year?

This message was brought to you by The U.S. Redundant Department of Redundancy…

I saw a sign on the back of a septic tank truck yesterday that said: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel…

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money…

We Americans shall never be slaves: we are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow us to do…

On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists their opinion of the flag she had sewn. This was the first known flag poll.

If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad… he should see it with!

UPDATE: The east coast earthquake a couple of weeks ago was apparently caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s Bush’s Fault. A grass-roots theory states that it was our founding fathers rolling over in their graves. Experts now believe that the earthquake was actually caused by the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington…

Only in America do we have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces…

Only in America do we get upset we’re spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

Only in America do we have more medical doctors to treat diseases than any other country in the world and we still have more diseases…

Only in America do we work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm…

Only in America do we consume the most dairy in the world but have highest rate of osteoporosis.

Only in America do we spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement going home to make up for lost time…

Only in America do we have more food than we can eat and more diets to keep us from eating it…

Only in America do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

Church Funnies: Making fun of us at church

So, there’s a fast car-ride downhill, all the way to hell on a broad highway, or an arduous climb up the narrow pathway to heaven. Anyhoo, welcome to the baptism…

The bible says the wages of sin are death. But by the time taxes are taken out, it’s more like a sort of dragged out tired feeling…

Did you know that Atheism is a non-prophet organization?

Murphy’s Law for Preachers:
Law #1: If the weather is bad, church attendance will be down.
Law #2: If the weather is good, church attendance will be down.

Back when I was a Catholic, I once gave up picking my belly button for lint…

A cat’s view of creation:
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God went to rest, but He had to scoop the litter box first.

One day in the South Pacific, a navy captain saw smoke coming from a hut on an uncharted island.
The shipwreck survivor said, “I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been alone on this island for more than five years!”
The incredulous captain asked, “If you’re all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts.”
The survivor said, “Oh. We’ll, I live in one, and go to church in another.”
“What about the third hut?” asked the captain.
“That’s where I USED to go to church…”

There is a minister here in Arizona who was lamenting that it was difficult to get a salvation message across to the congregation. He says: “It’s so beautiful here in the winter that heaven doesn’t interest them. And it’s so hot here in the summer that hell doesn’t scare them…”

Has the heaviness of your old fashioned church weighted you down? Then try the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt using the Low-Cal method – low Calvin, that is. We are the original home of the 7.5% tithe and we promise 40-minute services, with 10-minute sermons. Next Sunday’s exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 3,000. We have only 6 Commandments – AND, you choose which ones apply each week. We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament. Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings. We only take offerings every other week, all major credit cards accepted of course or use our easy payment plan. We are closed the first week of hunting season. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. Check us out on Twitter! We are everything you want in a church… and less!

I was in rush hour traffic today – stuck behind a texter at a green light, when I had to wonder; what do atheist’s do when stuck behind texters stopped at green lights with bumper stickers that say, “Honk if you love Jesus…”

So Jesus gave St. Peter a break at the pearly gates one day. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and chat before entering to find out more about the man. So Jesus asked, “What did you do for a living?” The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.” Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. “Did you have any family?” he asked. “Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.” Replied the old man. Jesus leaned forward some more. “You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?” “Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.” Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?” The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

Actually there were four wise men on the way to Bethlehem. One of them said he knew a shortcut…

Is the patron saint of poverty named St. Nickeless? Just asking…

When I was a kid I remember I starred as Noah in a church play. Ah, those memories are flooding back…

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,
“Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot.”

I found where Job went to the chiropractor! Job 16:12 “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me…”

Simplest directions to heaven: Turn right and go straight…

Do you know what kind of man Boaz was before he got married? He was Ruth-less…

In the New Testament church it says they were all amazed – And now in our churches everybody wants to be amused. ~ Leonard Ravenhill

Hymns for the Aging:
Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)
It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)
Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk With Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)
Give Me that Old Timers Religion
Blessed Insurance
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I’ve forgotten where I parked)
Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

An old preacher was dying, so he sent for two of the church members, his banker and his lawyer. As they entered his room, the preacher motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. He then grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. Both the banker and lawyer were touched that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments until the preacher said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

Jealousy is about all the fun you think that someone else is having…

Dear Lord, lead me not into temptation ~ I seem to be able to find it very easily all by myself….

Christmas time is the season when some people are more interested in the present than the past…

Do you want know something that’ll make God laugh? Tell him your plans…

I had a friend just ask me what is the best position for prayer; kneeling, sitting, standing or prone? I said that I did my best praying once swinging by one hand from the top of a scaffold…

And God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds. And satan invented McDonald’s, and McDonald’s brought forth the double-cheeseburger, and satan said to man; “You want fries with that? “, and man said; “Super size them.”

Sunday morning thought: Heck is reserved for those who don’t give a dang…

Two angels were up on Cloud #8 talking when one says to the other, “Well yes, I am happy but I could be happier….”

Gospel of Craig chapter 2 verse 3; Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed…

How to make Easter easier – replace the t with i…

I figured out why atheists struggle so much with exponential equations. It’s because they don’t believe in higher powers…

Little known religious fact: The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless…

Rethinking our thinking… What if we got it all backwards and God is asking us for a sign???

I went to the little boy’s room at church today and on the graffiti chalkboard in the bathroom someone wrote “What Would Jesus Do?” Then someone wrote directly underneath that, “Wash his hands.” Then someone else wrote, “And your feet.”

I was at our new church last week and an usher asked me where I would like to sit. I said “non-smoking please”. He didn’t laugh… I thought it was pretty funny though!

I wish that opportunity would come disguised as temptation because then one knock would be enough…

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with I John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” The bakery misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake from the gospel of John 4:18 “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

A neightheist is someone who doesn’t believe in horses…

Christian Football Church Plays:
Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime.”
Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Laughter is the best medicine funnies: Making fun of our medical mania

“I spent YEARS in medical school studying nutrition” said no medical doctor ever…

How to interpret what your doctor says: When they say, “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” They are really saying, “I don’t know what heck that is! Maybe it will just go away by itself.”

You should have seen it! All the doctors in downtown Scottsdale went on strike against Obamacare today. Pharmacists were called in to read the picket signs…

We had a guy come in to the clinic recently that is sooo anxious that when he is not being anxious he’s anxious about that…

More and more people are coming into the clinic now with costrophobia ~ The fear of rising drug prices…

A patient today told me she broke up with her gym. I said “WHAT? WHY?? She told me they just were not working out…

We had a plus-size patient in the clinic Thursday who claimed he had athletes foot. I glanced at him all twisted up unceremoniously in his hospital gown and without even thinking, I said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything…” good thing he thought that was funny!

I don’t go to medical doctors any more. The last one I went to grabbed me by the wallet and said, ‘Cough’…

A kidney stone walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The kidney stone says, “Nothing, thanks, I’m just passing through.”

We had a patient recently that told me he positively wasn’t addicted to pain killers – he just really, really liked them a lot…

I once had a guy come into the clinic who had an irrepressible urge to paint himself gold all over. I consulted with my clinic director who said: “Don’t worry. It’s just a gilt complex.”

You know you are getting older when you are being cautioned to slow down by your health care provider instead of the police…

Researchers have recently discovered that a majority of people will believe anything that you tell them researchers have discovered…

One of our patients told me that the secret to their marriage was pure chemistry. She’s on Valium and He’s on Prozac…

With a big thanks to plastic surgery, anyone can look like a 50 year-old teenager…

This sums up our medical progress for the last 4,000 years:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1600 AD – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1900 AD – “That potion is quackery, swallow this pill.”
1945 A.D. — “That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antiseptic penicillin.”
1955 A.D. — “Oops….germ mutated. Here, take this tetracycline.”
2000 AD – 39 more – “oops… more germs mutated”… “Here, take this new generation of more powerful antibiotics, – if you can afford it.”
2013 A.D. – “The super-bugs are winning. All drugs are evil! Here, eat this garlic – it’s a root.”

A patient once told me that she was one of the 2 out of 5 women that did not use birth control. But she quickly added that 5 out of 5 men did not have sex with her either…

A psychotic is someone who thinks that 2 + 2 = 5. A neurotic knows the correct answer is 4, but it worries them…

If Big Pharma could patent air as a cure for hypoxia you’d have to co-pay to breath…

I just read the label on a bottle of aspirin that says: “For headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children”…

Latest medical trivia out Friday: According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

I don’t think there is anything scarier than a brain surgeon with hiccups…

A man was recently arrested on drug charges for selling pills he claimed would give eternal youth. Turns out that this was his 4th offense. He had prior convictions in 1928, 1801 and in 1612…

We had a patient once that told me he limped because his right fibula and tibia were radically arched. He asked me what I’d do in a case like this. I told him “I suppose I would limp too…”

Papa. M.R.S.A. was having a serious talk with his young son, M.R.S.A. Junior. He concluded the session by saying: “And remember Junior, always stay away from drugs.”

I recently had one of my pregnant mothers describe her first labor in the hospital like “Baring all and squatting to pee on the grass in a public park”…

I call antibiotics “wonder drugs” because any time the doctor wonders what you have, that’s what you get…

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent…

A little old lady tottered into the clinic the other day complaining: “My arm is so weak I can hardly hold a coffee cup, my cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee, I can’t tilt my head to drink it because of the arthritis in my neck, my blood pressure pills make me dizzy and I always forget why I went into a room. But thank God that I can still drive!” …

I put one of our patients on a 30 day diet. She came in for a two-week followup and told me, “I’m still on the diet and so far I’ve lost 14 days.”

The newest hormone replacement product for women is: E m p t y N e s t r o g e n. It eliminates the melancholies by enhancing the memory. Most specifically in the centers of the brain that store memories of how your children were growing up and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out…

The latest antidepressant drug is St. Mom’s Wort. It’s a plant extract knock-off that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours…

I asked one of our patients how her diet was going. She said: “Dieting is very hard – today I had cupcakes without sprinkles…”

I was counseling a patient at the clinic the other day who said: “The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again…”

Just for grins I thought I’d take a current neurobiology final exam. I answered them all correctly I know – but I failed the test. It seems the test questions are the same as the ones I answered years ago but the answers have changed…

We had a girl come by the clinic looking for a massage therapy opening. I asked her why she was let go from her last job and she said, “I’m not sure but I think I just rubbed everyone the wrong way”…

How do you like these apples? You wait 6 weeks for an appointment with a specialist only to have them examine you and say: “I wish you’d come to me sooner…”

Isn’t it just a wee bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”???

Spotlight on truth: Big Pharma uses scientific data the way a drunkard uses a lamppost: for support rather than illumination.

If it is too dry – add moisture; if it is too moist – add dryness. Congratulations! You are now a dermatologist…

I was coaching a young lady in active labor with her first child. Things were going very well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” The father asked “Hey, what’s wrong with my wife?” I said “Nothing. She’s just going through contractions.”

My job as a nutritionist would be so much better if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon…

Yesterday I went to donate some blood but they had so many questions about where I got it I said forget it.

Ex-Lax: $5 Metamucil: $10 Barium Enema: $100 Colonoscopy: $1000
A healthy bowel movement: Priceless…

If Big Pharma could patent air as a cure for hypoxia you’d have to co-pay to breath…

I just read the label on a bottle of aspirin that says: “For headache, take two aspirins and keep away from children”…

Latest medical trivia out Friday: According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10.

Someone I know confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she now has 6 kids but she doesn’t really care…

Lady to a pharmacist: “Why does this prescription medication have 40 different side effects?” The pharmacist replied: “Because that’s all we’ve documented so far.”

What I learned from Big Pharma study data charts: Decide what you want to find, draw your curves, then plot the data.

I recently saw a sign at a nurse’s station at a hospital: “To be right is only half the battle; to convince the physician is much more difficult.”

Did you hear the one about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

I once tried to lie to an x-ray technician. She saw right through me…

Q: Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to the dentist? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Funny ad I saw in a medical journal: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

If three out of every ten people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other seven enjoy it?

Headline news circa year 2062 will be ~ 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year…

We had a guy in the IV chair today and I asked “Are you comfortable?” The man shrugged and said, “I make a good living.”

Have you heard about the latest new drug that when given to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent. This drug is definitely habit-forming…

I’m thinking perhaps we need the FDA to stop finding all the bad things we shouldn’t eat and focus on a couple of safe things we can eat…

We had a patient the other day with kleptomania. I hesitated to tell him to “take something for it”

We had someone come in to the clinic recently that was addicted to placebos…

We recently had a patient in and the only disease she didn’t list was “hypochondriac”…

We had a podiatrist’s office open up near our medical clinic in Old Town Scottsdale. Smack in front there are now signs for parking that read “Toe Zone”.

I called one of our clinic vendors today and the lady said, “How can I direct your call?” I smiled behind the phone and said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to order. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!’ – That’s a wrap folks…”

A natural death is where you die all by yourself – without the aid of a doctor…

We had a gentleman the other day claiming to be schizophrenic. I asked him why he thought he might be thusly whacked. He answered: “It’s a choice of course, schizophrenia beats living all alone”…

We had a patient come in the other day complaining of bad health and loss of balance – but he smelled a bit like gin. I said, “I’m not certain what’s going on here, could be the drinking.” To which he replied, º ° “Don’t worry about it, I’ll come back when you’re sober.” ° ° °

Maybe it’s the Texas accent, but we just signed on a new secretary and I asked her if she had seen my auriscope (a device for looking into the ears). She said “But I don’t even know your sign…”

We had a patient in the other day and I mentioned a fitness plan for his health and well-being, to which he deftly replied: “But I’m in the fitness protection program”…

After helping a man to wrestle his insurance company for treatment codes they accept (we are an out-of-network medial clinic) the man gave an exasperated sigh and said: “Dang, my health insurance only pays if I get pregnant…”

I thought our clinic director was hatching some evil plan and walking down the hall rubbing his hands. I expected to hear “mwahahaha” coming next. Turns out he was just using some of that alcohol hand gel that’s in every exam room.

If you really want to know what worthless drug your doctor recommends for all your conditions, just watch TV. It’ll be a lot cheaper…

If laughter really is the best medicine the Big Pharma will find a way to patent it and charge for it…

Researchers have finally developed a cutting-edge medication that is guaranteed not to make your ailments any worse…

One of these things is not like the other. What’s the difference between major depression and extreme gastroenteritis? In the first one the bottom falls out of your world, and in the second one…

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Never, ever contract and suffer from diseases that you cannot afford… This is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means to pay the doctors.

I had someone come in to the clinic this week for a follow-up visit. I asked him if he was still taking the herbs for his memory to which he replied: “What herbs”?

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. This generates enormous mounds of paperwork and CYA. Dying this way will only cause much needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Always readily submit to every novel experimental treatment. Though the treatment has absolutely no chance of helping you get better, the resulting research paper will always be of widespread interest…

Doctor to the patient wisdom: NEVER ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is highly presumptuous of anyone to assume that such profound matters of the deep mysteries of the human body could be explained in terms that they could hope to attain the understanding thereof.

Doctor to the patient wisdom: Always remember to try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Keep in mind that your doctor is an intensely trained and highly paid specialist that has a professional reputation to uphold…

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says “I’d like to run some more tests.” It really means – “I can’t figure out what’s wrong but maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says “Let me check your medical history.” He is actually going to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says “Let’s keep an eye on this to see how it develops.” He is really saying “What the heck is that! Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured with antibiotics.”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” He really means that “I’m playing golf this afternoon”. Or, “I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit”.

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: when your doc says “We have some good news and some bad news…” What he really means is “I’m buying a new wide-body Benz and the bad news is, you’re the one paying for it.”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says “Let me schedule you for some tests.” What he is really saying is “I have forty percent interest in this lab.”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says, “This may smart a little.” What he really means is that last week two patients almost bit off their tongues with this shot.

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When he says “If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment next week.” He really means, “I’ve never seen anything so disgusting in all of my life! Thank God I’m off next week…”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When your doc says, “There is a lot of that going around.” What he really means is, “My golly, that’s the third one this week! I’d better learn something about this…”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When he says, “everything seems to be normal.” He really means, “Rats! I guess I won’t be buying that beach condo after all…”

How to interpret your last doctor’s visit: When he says, “I’d like to prescribe a new drug for you.” What he really means is, “I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.”

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